Raw Honesty (I Can't Believe I'm Posting This)

I am not sure if I will publish this blog once it's finished, I'm only writing it to get a lot of things off my chest and some of those things aren't going to be pleasant. I don't know if I am brave enough to let people read my rawest feelings, especially my family members as I know they like to read my posts. But if you're reading this now then it means I have braved it. Please don't feel sorry for me or anything of that sort, I'm not doing it for that. I just needed to completely offload in a way that I have never done before. I try to always be honest about how I'm feeling when I write my blogs, and I have been so far, everything I've wrote has always been the truth, but I've edited it slightly to make it sound less harsh, I've held back a little because being completely honest about my feelings might upset & worry those close to me, which is the last thing I want. But I need to remember why I took up blogging.. To let out my darkest & deepest thoughts & feelings. If I'm not going to stick to the purpose that I started doing it for, then there's no point doing it at all. Like I said, I have been truthful in my previous blogs, but only to a certain extent, I haven't 100% gone for it and completely been as negative as I feel.

In my last blog I mentioned that I am now waiting to see a therapist due to feeling low, which is true, but I made it sound like a minor issue when in actual fact, (besides my health troubles) it has been my biggest problem over the last 12 months. My mindset has been very negative & I can't seem to shake off my feelings of depression & anxiety. Everybody has anxiety from time to time, we all worry about important stuff, but that's normal. It's not normal when you worry every hour of the day about things that shouldn't matter at this moment, "How am I going to make it through this year" "I can't manage on my own" "Who's going to be there for me" "I have nobody, I'm totally alone" "What's going to happen if my health gets worse in a few years"... That's just an example of the things that go around my head every single day of my life. People tell my I shouldn't worry, just be happy, they say. But they have zero experience of what it's like to battle with your mind everyday, or to live with such dark feelings. I cry at some point everyday, several times actually, because I feel so down. I feel like I am a failure to myself & a dissapointment to my family. I try, but I don't know how to change that.

I visited my Doctor because I realised I needed help, I realised this was not going to go away. I needed a professional to point me in the right direction because if I'm honest, I feel lost, totally lost & somewhat alone. I'm not alone in reality though, I have a big family who I see a lot of, but that doesn't take away the feelings I have. The feelings of not knowing what to do with myself, the thoughts of not knowing how to handle life. Anyway, my Doctor gave me a number & told me to call it, he said it was to refer myself to a councillor, which I was happy to do because I agree that I need to talk to someone. But other than that, he couldn't have shown less interest even if he'd tried to. After handing me the number, he smiled & asked if there was anything else. That was all he had to say on the matter, I mean seriously?! Is there anything else?! Is that really what your GP is supposed to say to you when you've just admitted that you have been suffering from anxiety & depression for the last 6 months?

I'm not entierly slating my Doctor, the surgery is very busy & I understand that he only has a certain amount of time, but I just wasn't quite expecting such a matter of fact response. I thought he might've asked me a few questions & had a bit of a chat with me, which might have made me feel a little better, but he didn't really engage with me on the subject, apart from giving me a councelling number & telling me that therapy is the best place to start, he barely said anything. So I hope you can understand why I feel even more lost than before. I mean, how are you meant to get the help/treatment you need if your GP fails to take your issues on board properly? Maybe he didn't mean it to come across like that, I'm sure he thinks he's done what he can but I can't help feeling slightly uncared about. I phoned the therapy number & explained my problems, they've put me on a waiting list & apparently there's a 3 month wait which isn't ideal but I get that they are busy. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with my anxious feelings until then, but I am managing so maybe it's not as bad as I think. Not everyday is bad, some are better than others & some are worse.

Apart from my Mum (because I live with her) Nobody else has any idea of how I really feel. When my family members come round to visit I probably seem happy, and to be honest, I am when I'm with them. It's just when I'm alone that my thoughts & feelings become more troubling and I start worrying about tomorrow, next week, next year, then that makes me realise how stupid my life has become. How have I got to the point of doing nothing with my time except for feeling anxious & downhearted? The fact that I've let that happen then adds to my stress. Everything adds to my stress at the moment. If I have an appointment to attend it increases my anxiety levels because I don't go out alone, so my thoughts will consist of "Who's going to come with me" "What if they are annoyed for having to come with me" "What if they can't make it, what will I do". I know my perception of everything is wrong, but try telling my anxiety disorder that!

In my previous blogs I've talked about how I made some improvements last year, how I took some steps that I never would have taken a couple of years ago, and that's all true, I did make a few forward moves in 2016 which I'm proud of. But although I've done that, it hasn't really done anything to alter the way my mind works, I thought maybe it would combat my low mood & anxiety but it hasn't. I am convinced that my health problems have always contributed to my state of mind, when you live with chronic issues your whole life it's bound to have an affect on your mental well-being. But I'll be honest & say I'm to blame for not asking for help sooner, I've always been prone to anxiety issues from time to time, many times I could've spoken to one of my doctors about how bad it was but I never did because I wasn't brave enough. So, I'm happy to hold my hands up & say I know I'm partly to blame. But I also feel like I could have/should have been offered more help from those in the medical profession, they know I've had a lot to cope with over the years so it probably would've been sensible for them to offer me some kind of emotional support, rather than just looking after my physical health. But nothing can be done about that now, so I'm trying to concentrate on the therapy that I've got coming up.

I've just read over this whole thing & realised how long it is, it's probably my longest blog to date. I feel embarrassed at some of the things I've wrote & I can't believe this.. but I've decided I will publish it after all. If I don't, it's like saying people should be ashamed of feeling/thinking this way and I want to help people realise that that's not true, there is no shame in admitting your rawest of feelings. Having said that though, I'll probably feel a bit uncomfortable myself after posting this, just because I'm not used to letting people in on my most deepest feelings. I'm only going to share this blog with my friends on support groups, and maybe other places like twitter. I'm not going to post it to my Facebook page because then my family members & people I'm close to will see it and if I can help it, I want to try and stop them from coming across it. It's funny how I don't mind so much about sharing this with strangers but when it comes to friends & family, I feel too embarrassed to let them read it.


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